There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
