paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
