sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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