Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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