My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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