apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
