i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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