I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
