he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
