I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
