I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick