Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
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I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.