He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno