Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
This house was built for laser tag.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
