Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
is wine microwaveable?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
