I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
