just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
