Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
