I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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