You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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