my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room