so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from