They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
