plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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