They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
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Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."