Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
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He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
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I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.