When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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