Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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