Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
