This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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