I got chris browned last night
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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