I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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