So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
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