My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
