I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
