woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
