this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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