just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
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he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
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It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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