I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
