Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
