Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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