Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I puked a lego.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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