I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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