please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
