I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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