the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
