He asked to "fluff my boner.."
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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