ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
