One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
