i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
