EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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