so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
