Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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