he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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