I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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