between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
