Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
