Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
