Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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