Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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