my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
